My Thoughts Out Loud on Addiction

My Thoughts Out Loud on Addiction

Well my son who has caused me so much turmoil and heart ache has entered rehab this afternoon out of state. He called me last Sunday telling me he had been beat up by his roommate who also is a drunk and drug addict, and goes on drinking binges for days at a time, and clearly gets violent, although, the first time my son was on the receiving end. I think it really scared my son, one, it seemed to make him think that this is what his life has become, living with drug and alcohol addicts, making it day to day, wondering how you are going to pay your rent, and buy your next fix. He also, was really scared that this roommate was going to kill him, and admitted to me that he didn’t want to be a drunk anymore and knew he couldn’t stop drinking by himself. So he reached the point to where he reached out for help and really wanted it. I spent days on the phone and computer researching the different rehabs and their programs such as after care which is just as important as detox and the rehab itself.

So after 4 days of finding the right one to what his needs were but also the one that was in his insurance network. I got so frustrated playing phone tag with different rehab admissions and counselors telling me different things and dates that he could be admitted, I really thought I was going to lose my mind, as I knew my son had to get out of the house he was living in for his safety but because for the first time, he really seemed to be sincere and ready to seek the help. He was going by DT’s, and it just made me angrier at the rehabs for receiving different information and me promising my son would be leaving the next day, and then the next day.

Wow, I was the most frustrated and eager already up until he left, waiting on the insurance authorization, for the transportation to be scheduled, etc. It was so emotional for me for mixed reasons, I was happy and relieved that he was wanting and going for help, however, I knew I would miss him and felt a sense of sadness when I hugged him goodbye, and that is when I realized that I had stayed angry at him for so long, I guess it was the way I coped with his behavior as a defensive mechanism.

So when I choked up trying to keep up back tears as I hugged him firmly, I saw the little boy in my son, a spark of his true identity, his charm, wit, and compassion. I, also, sensed his fear of the unknown, of where he was going, how it was going to turn out, where would he be days from now, and weeks from now, and so far from home. You see, my son considered home wherever I, his mother was. I pray very hard and hope that he will take this opportunity/gift, the same way they refer to it on Intervention to start anew way of living. I have fought back the tears the rest of the evening and night, already while I was working the night shift of my job. I have thought regularly of what he is experiencing, asking myself, will he embrace this opportunity to start a new life, and will he fight hard to stay sober and clean.

I want to see more than just a glimpse of my youngest son, I want to see his true identity shine by with laughter and happiness, and for him to experience the sense of pride and accomplishment. With every night and morning, I hope he can feel my positive thoughts and gain more strength every day that he is sober. I hope he gets the addiction sustain he needs. I so want to be re-introduced to this boy, this man, my son. May God bless him and give him the strength and faith he will need, and wrap my son’s heart, mind and body with love. Until next time, I leave you with my thoughts out loud.

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