Become a BedBug Warrior – With This Faithful Indian Guide & Trophy-Winning Micro-Game Hunter’s Tips!
Ugh the Bug!
They are everywhere – Bed Bugs! – and they’re coming soon to a bed near you! at the minimum that’s the hype du jour. Unlike all the other expected outbreaks and pandemics this is one bug we can truly see! And there’s only one ‘vaccine’ I know of but first:
Here in North America the infestations appear to be confined to secluded pockets of communities, not unlike the head lice that regularly circulate within a school system, or the parasitical rumors that run amuck on myopic internet forums. In this era of hyper connected transportation its probably just a matter of a few weeks before the Bed Bug outbreaks connect the rest of us with their little dots.
Time to open Bed Bug Hunting Season! No permits needed. No Bag Limits!
From my Native American Hunter/Gatherer perspective lets logically analyze our difficult situation.
Who is attacking us: A parasitical insect of the family Cimicidae.
What do they eat: Our blood – in spite of kind or quantum.
How big is this stalking prey: The size of a dog tick.
How could they harm us: Although built to keep up and move over 20 and as many as 40 known pathogens harbored in the blood they ingest, consequently far there are no known transmissions of disease. So far their bites merely irritate us and make us remember that everything on earth seems to have a natural predator including us.
Good News for urban dwellers: Bed Bugs natural enemy is the cockroach.
Bad News for the impatient: Bed Bugs can live idle in your home for at the minimum a year, except for a new pesticide-resistant variety that seldom lives past 2 months.
Enough known. Time to access my genetically implanted native Survive-All Guide and apply the following Hunter/Gatherer principles.
1.When the best Hunters in character are being attacked by something much smaller, their answer is easy: EAT YOUR ENEMY. Ingesting Bed Bugs (toasted as a tasty tofu casserole topping for that anti-expected Parent-Teacher Potluck) doesn’t whet your appetite? Then move to the next line of attack:
2.Hire Mercenaries: BRING IN THE CHICKENS everyone (now including you) knows that chickens eat bugs. Its what they do and with great gusto and most importantly with unerring accuracyn and consistency. So whats a small flock of red-legged Banties fluttering around your Pottery Barn linens for a associate days its cheaper than an exterminator and with no chemically induced mutations for the bed bugs or you!
BONUS: When implementing Option #2 you also get FREE EGGS likely to be salmonella-free in addition! Not as fond of fresh feather down pillows as you thought you were? Move to Option #3:
3.BECOME A BED BUG WARRIOR: Since the old Trader days, Indians have had a healthy appreciation for the white mans novelty goods. go into the Scots – as in Scotch brand double sided sticky tape:
How to Catch a Bed Bug in Your Bed They come out in the dark so you will need a small LED light, preferably mounted on your head via hat or headband. You will also need two or more rolls of double sided sticky tape. (The first roll will fall onto the floor and end up under your bed, smothered by hungry Dust Bunnies stay tuned for upcoming manual on How to Catch, Skin & Tan Dust Bunnies (they make lovely slippers for Christmas gifts!).
With the second roll of double sticky tape peel off five 6 inch lengths, twirl them into loops and place the four loops at the edges of each quadrant of your mattress. The fifth loop remains stuck to your index finger of your principal hand. (Good news Lefties double sided tape is for the semi-ambidextrous meaning those who use one hand well – already if its the left one.)
Did I mention, you need to be naked for this safari otherwise every piece of clothing becomes hide for the prey, not for you the hunter! If you are a novice at entomological bed bug tracking then use only substantial white or pastel sheets until your skills are honed for the more progressive challenges of patterned percale.
Next, lie or sit naked in your bed, LED light on your head, sticky tape cocked and ready to fire.
When your prey mozies out to the buffet of your B-positive infused body, POUNCE with your tacky digits! Quickly repeat motion like a rapid firing Gatling gun.
When lint has coated your weapon rendering it useless grab your auxiliary arms the four remaining double sticky loops!!!! Go for it – NOW! This is no time for panic!
After the chaos subsides and the lint settles, pause to estimate the body counts.
Now every hunter misses more often than he makes the mark. Do not be discouraged. Think of each missed attempt as practice.
After all your practice rounds, get out the third roll of double sticky tape and FOCUS.
Once you do catch a associate of these elusive little game-bugs, you may find you truly enjoy mounting the strips of sticky tape trophies along the wall above your bed. Its a modest form of self-congratulatory accomplishment. You deserve it.
Soon you will be texting friends comparing bragging rites on nightly quotas captured!
And think of all the money you will have saved!
Plus, you took charge and proactively protected your health, yes, from bed bug bites, but more crucially from the litany of unhealthy effects both recorded and unknown from the use of deadly chemicals in your sleeping space. Eight hours of exposure every night to ANY chemical that can kill a lot of bugs, wherever they are hiding, has got to be less than healthful for your species too!
Inspired to imitate this Indian? Then please, enjoy my humble hunting chant as you do:
How many beds can a bed bug bug if a bed bug bugs all beds? How many bugs can a bed bug bed if a bed bug beds all bugs! How many bugs and how many beds can a bed bug bag, bed, bug – and after the beds – how bout the rugs?
Oh, and the ‘Vaccine’ referenced in use one: I write from personal experience. Last year a stray cat deposited a herd of fleas in my bedroom. While I was tempted to just run the visiting feline by the house to re-collect them all, I ended up performing the very same sticky-tape hunting ritual as recorded above.
Every night, several times each night, I deliberately rendered myself a human target baited the little buggers with my naked body, armed with straps of sticky death. I caught literally hundreds. It took three and a half weeks and I caught them one and all. It has been 11 months flea-free and not a chemical was used.
IF my home were infected by Bed Bugs, or any other threat to my health, I would closest ingest herbs to fortify my immune system and that made my blood and skin distasteful. In the event of a complete fledged infestation I would also use diatomaceous earth on my bedding and rooms as it pierces the insects exoskeletons and consequently kills them over time while not harming humans and other mammals or birds sharing the space. There’s more than one way to bag a bed bug; these are mine.